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War is difficult
on those serving and those left behind, but most particularly on young
people. Very young children may be confused and uncertain about what
is actually happening. Older children may understand and be terrified,
especially if any family member has been deployed.
Dr. Judith Myers-Walls, a professor of child development and family
studies at Purdue University, feels that war is a particularly difficult
concept for young students to understand. She says, for example, that
one student she talked to thought Iraq was “a rock.”
Her advice for how to help children cope with war is valuable for parents
to know during these frightening times.
• Accept that children are aware of what is going on. They watch
TV. Their friends talk. There are discussions at school. Children know.
• Look for stress in your children. Be particularly on the lookout
for a change in eating habits, a change in sleep patterns, a change
in behavior. A serious signal to watch for is attempting to give favorite
things away. That might be a sign that counseling is in order.
• Try to engage children in discussion so that you know what specifically
is troubling them.
• Have young ones draw pictures, tell stories, or write a story.
Sometimes that’s a less threatening way for them to express their
emotions.
• Accept that their fears are real.
• Discuss things that make them feel safe.
• Keep all discussions at their level.
• Explain deployment.
• If a family member is deployed, explain that that family member
will miss the child and that it is not the child’s fault in any
way that that person has been called to duty. It’s a good idea
to have that individual make a tearless video before leaving. You can
talk about things the family will be doing when the family member comes
home.
• Reassure children: Eat at same times, still go to school, still
play sports or do the usual extracurricular activities. There is comfort
in the routine and the familiar.
• Check in with children to see how they are doing.
• Give them tips for calming themselves if they feel they are worrying
too much (deep breathing, exercise, music or artwork are often helpful).
• Turn off TV news about war when children are around.
Children often ask about war and other most difficult subjects at what
seems to be the least appropriate times for their parents. Whenever
they ask, try to take the time to answer. Your reassurances will help
keep their fear from escalating.
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