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From the Desk of Bill Cirone...
April 21, 2000
Listening is Essential
Listening is an art that requires practice. It is an essential element of parenting. "It Starts on the Frontline" provides the following guidelines to help parents in this area.
First, be attentive. Stop what you are doing as soon as you can and give children full attention. Focus fully on your children’s words, using your eyes as well as your ears. A child may say that nothing is wrong, but a dejected look could tell you otherwise. Be sensitive to tone of voice and expression. Ask yourself what your child is trying to tell you.
Remember that good communication builds good relationships.
Encourage your children to talk. Eye contact, a smile, a nod, and even a one-word response from you can indicate understanding, if not agreement. Keep your questions brief, open and friendly, and try to avoid "why" questions. Children don’t always know all the reasons behind their actions and feelings.
It can be helpful to repeat an important idea your child has expressed, in order to bring him out further. For example, "It sounds like your feelings were hurt when she said that." Or, "You must feel very proud to have done that. Am I right?"
You should always try to empathize. Understanding others begins with empathy, which is the act of putting yourself into another’s shoes. Empathizing with a teenager may take imagination and patience, but it can help to focus on underlying feelings that a young person may be having difficulty expressing.
Always listen with respect. React to your teenager as you would to an adult friend. Grownups tend to do most of the talking when conversing with young people. Try to listen as much as you talk. After speaking for half a minute or so, stop and let your child have a chance to react. Accept the fact that teenagers can be complainers. Let them get their grievances off their chests. Try not to interrupt or push a topic they don’t want to discuss.
Most important, take time to have relaxed conversations alone with each of your children on a regular basis. Frequent talks will help you spot difficulties before they become real problems.
© Santa Barbara County Education Office
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