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From the Desk of Bill Cirone...
May 21, 1999
Staying connected to preteens
Have you ever had a conversation with a preteen that goes something like this: How was your day? "Okay." What did you learn in school? "Nothing."
This is a very typical exchange, especially in the preteen years. Here are some tips that have worked for others in trying to communicate with their children:
First, ask if it's a good time to talk. If your child says no, you could respond by saying, "When would be a good time?" If no suggestions come forward, set up a time anyway and make sure it happens.
Make the most of your child's individual style. Girls at the preteen age may still be comfortable just sitting down with a parent and talking. Boys seem to be less self-conscious talking to a parent if they're also sharing an activity such as playing a game of catch or building a model airplane. Activities help them loosen up. Pay chose attention to your child and see what seems to work best in different situations.
Sometimes we make it easy for preteens to keep quiet by asking vague questions that can be answered with a simple "Yes," "no," or "I don't know." Rephrasing can often yield much better results. For example, instead of asking "How was school today?" try something like: "What do you think about your history teacher?" Or: "What did you do today that you were proud of?" If you still get a one-word answer, you can always follow up with "Tell me more."
Also, pay attention to teachable moments throughout the day that can trigger important conversations. For example, use events from your child's favorite television show to begin conversations about peer pressure or relationships. Your child will be more comfortable talking about these issues this way than if you raised them out of the blue.
It's also important to listen effectively. Rephrase your child's comments to show you understand what's been said. Pay close attention to your child's face and body language, and give nonverbal support and encouragement throughout the conversation.
Share a hobby. Explore an interest that you both enjoy, whether it's rollerblading or skimming through fashion magazines. Time spent this way can result in hours of naturally-flowing conversation.
Look at baby pictures. A walk down memory lane is a great way to bring up other awkward topics including the many physical and emotional changes that occur throughout your child's life.
See your child as others do. Many parents only see their children when they're at home. Get involved with your child's school. Volunteer to help with extracurricular programs, such as theatre productions or sports. You may discover new and wonderful aspects to your child that you otherwise would have missed.
All these activities help you create and maintain connections as your children travel through the various stages leading to adulthood. They also form the basis of shared experiences and close relationships throughout a lifetime.
© Santa Barbara County Education Office
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